Bite Me, Baby
by sharay
Summary: What happens when a couple of teens win the chance to tour the set of "Buffy"? Horror? Biting?


Shanna Ray

Bite Me, Baby 

"Oh my god oh my god oh my god", Kate chanted over and over again as we entered the huge gray building that comprised the offices of UPN. "Oh my god oh my god oh my god."

"Shut up, Kate, before you scare everyone."

My girlfriend Kate and I were huge fans of the TV show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and by some miracle of _my_ God; I'd won the annual UPN Tour the Set Competition this year. When they called and asked me what show I wanted to see the set of, I didn't even have to think. "Buffy!" I'd said, grinning like a moron, the thought of seeing Sarah Michelle Gellar up close and personal in those tight leather pants melting my brain into thoughtless goo. So, there we were, my girlfriend and I, about to enter the world of Buffy creator Joss Whedon and taken on a tour we'd never forget.

"Oh my god oh my god oh my god", Kate's nervous chanting grew softer as a short, brown-haired guy with a huge nose walked towards us, smiling.

"Hey. Are you Michael Danenburg and Katie Spencer?"

"Yep, that's us", I replied, not relying on Kate to make any sense at the moment.

"Hi, I'm Joss Whedon. I'll be your tour guide on the set of my show, 'Buffy'. If you'd follow me."

"Oh my GOD!! I'd follow you anywhere!" Kate blurted suddenly, her verbal constipation giving way to a blast of diarrhea. "I'm sooo excited is Spike going to be there I love Spike so much he can bite me anytime and Angel I love Angel too he wouldn't be around would he I mean since his show is still on the WB and all and Willow I think Willow is SO cool. . ."

I nudged Kate in the side. She nudged me back and continued burning Joss's ears with her hyper chatter. I stayed a pace behind them, occasionally peeking into offices and conference rooms.

We rounded a few corners, took an elevator down to a floor that (strangely enough) was below the basement, rounded a few more corners, pulled off our jackets when the air-conditioning decided it couldn't blow this far, went through an oddly constructed tunnel that reeked of. . . bodily fluids or something gross.

"Geez, do you make the cast walk through here all the time?" I asked, once the pungent odor had gotten too strong. I could not imagine my precious Sarah Michelle trudging through here.

Whedon turned his head sideways slightly and said, "Not usually. There's a door to the studio from the outside. But when you enter through the UPN building, unfortunately, this is the price you pay. Sarah and the cast usually find their own entrances anyway."

"Pew! What is that smell?" Kate exclaimed, pinching her nose (once she'd been forced to be quiet long enough to notice the odor).

"It's actually part of my studio. There's this one room where we make all the masks, props, blood and everything. It smells pretty decent today, believe it or not. Usually its extremely terrible."

A few more agonizing moments passed, and at last we emerged out of the tunnel, and in our path was a white door. _'Welcome to Sunnydale' _was scrawled on it in red paint, dripping down the whiteness like blood.

"Cool!" I drooled and snapped a picture of it with the Polaroid camera that hung around my neck. 

Joss, on the other side of the door, suddenly poked his head out and faced me. "Kid, do me a favor and put that camera down. If you must have pictures, we have our own professional photographer here. You'll have your prints in less than a week."

"Oh. Sorry", I replied sheepishly and removed the print from my camera as we continued through the door.

"So why'd you move the show from the WB?" Kate asked as we entered a short corridor and made our way down a long flight of old, rickety stairs.

"Well, there were lots of reasons. More freedom, for one. Also, we got better salaries for the cast. They're quite bloodthirsty. . ." He and Kate laughed. "And also the location. The location here just can't be beat. It's like the embodiment of my Sunnydale."

"Los Angeles is the embodiment of Sunnydale?" I questioned.

Joss looked at me strangely again. Boy, I wasn't on his good side. "Kid, we left Los Angeles once we left the UPN building. You're in Sunnydale now. Welcome to Hellmouth."

Kate squealed in delight. "That is sooo awesome! But there's one thing I don't understand. Sunnydale is supposed to be the Hellmouth and all, the source of evil creatures and things, right? So why is Buffy the only slayer in town?"

"Too many slayers would be costly, that's why. Not to mention confusing for the viewers. We did bring in another slayer at one point . . ."

"Oh yeah I remember! She tried to kill Buffy! That bitch. . ."  
Joss and Kate chuckled. My legs ached. This flight of stairs was unusually long. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and looked at the print in my hand. There was the door; _'Welcome to Sunnydale'_ oozing from it like in a horror movie. Oh yeah. This was definitely going on my new and improved 'Buffy' website. I slid it into my pocket as we reached the end of the staircase.

"Well, here it is, kids. The set. The inside of Buffy and Dawn Summers' home." 

I looked around in awe. It was exactly like I'd seen it on television! It was Buffy's house and I was in it! It didn't even look like a set despite the cameras and crewmen walking around. A red demon with yellow eyes and horns emerging from its bald, scaly head walked right in front of me.

"Wow! Cool face job!" I commented, lifted my Polaroid and snapped. The guy actually hissed at me, covered his eyes, and staggered away.

Joss was scowling at me again. "What did I tell you about that camera, kid? The lenses we use in their eyes don't handle flashes very well at all. No more pictures."

"Oh. Sorry", I said again, gawkily removing the print from the camera as he walked off, talking to some crew person. Kate had propped herself on Buffy's couch and was grinning at me.

"Mike, why'd you bring that old thing anyway? "

"I need to take pics for my website. And some personal ones of Sarah."

"Yeah, where are they anyway? I want to meet Spike! 'Oh, suck my blood Spike baby!'" she squealed, throwing her head back.

"Hey, no one's going to be sucking your blood except me."

Kate sprung from the couch as the door to the left of the set opened. My jaw dropped as Buffy, Dawn, and Xander came marching in, Buffy in the front, clenching a wooden stake.

"That was some fight, Sar! That vamp was totally going to clamp in on Michelle. . ." Xander stopped himself as he saw us, standing in the doorway. "Oh. Hello visitors", he said in that sheepish Xander-ish way

I grinned dumbly at Sarah. She looked so hot, all sweaty and wild in those tight leather pants. Kate was already screeching and shaking hands.

"Dawn you're so cute in person and I just LOVE you Xander you're so hot Anya doesn't deserve a guy like you and Buffy aaargh you kick vampire ass! And Mike is so in love with you its always 'Buffy' this and 'Buffy' that. . ."

I glared sideways at my stupid girlfriend before reaching out to take Sarah's soft, warm hand into my own. 

"Hi, I'm Sarah Michelle. . . "

"Gellar. I know. I'm a big fan of the show."

"Camera", she said, staring blankly at my Polaroid. "You have a camera in here?"

I blinked a few times. Was this a wacked-out-on-magic 'Buffy' episode or something? "Yes. . . I wanted to take some pictures with you. Is that okay?"

She looked up at me, anger blazing in her fierce little eyes. "Who are you? Where is Joss? You're not supposed to have cameras on the set! Joss!" she bounded away.

I was flabbergasted. Wow. What a bitch.

"Well, well, well, look what we have here", a British accent materialized from behind me. I heard Kate shriek as Spike a.k.a. James Marsters entered the room- platinum hair, long, black leather coat, conceited bastard swagger and all.

"Spike! Spike! I love you! Bite me, baby!" she squealed and literally jumped at the guy. He didn't look at all surprised and caught her like a weightless ball of flesh, not flinching. _Cool! Just like Spike_, I thought and took a snapshot of him holding my girlfriend.

With the flash, Marsters looked up at me.

"Camera bloke, here. Tsk-tsk. Really should have thought twice about pushing that bloody button." He looked back at Kate again, his indignant eyes going up and down her body. She just grinned and chattered incessantly as Spike literally licked his chops.

"Hey, that's my girlfriend", I said feebly.

"Boo-hoo. And I'm an underpaid vamp who's very hungry. She looks quite a taster. They always jump straight into my arms."

Joss suddenly came jogging over to where we stood, yelling. "James, what are you doing?! They're visitors! Contest winners!"

"This bloody fool took my picture! He knows our little secret now, Whedon, so I'll take the girl and be on my merry well way."

Kate was giggling as if this was the most comical thing she'd ever witnessed. Me, I was beyond perplexed as I shook the print that was in my hand. I held it up to my face as Joss, Sarah, Xander, and gang stared at me, their eyes boring into me like lasers or. . . stakes. What was going on here? I looked at the print, it was fully developed now. And there was my girlfriend, suspended in mid-air, a stupid grin on her face as nothing held her.

"Wha-"

"No reflection there, boy," Marsters said. "Vampires don't have bloody reflections."

Before I could react in any manner, Marsters' face changed; distorted, smushed, collapsed, just as it did every Tuesday night on television. Staring at my girlfriend's endlessly giggling face was a yellow-eyed, hideous monster with long, pointy fangs.

I ran. As far and as fast as I could; through the side door, through the endless set, through a fake outdoors scene, and through a door with a blinking "EXIT" sign, the camera mercilessly banging at my chest. Completely exhausted, I slumped to the dark, cold, damp earth once I'd gotten as far away from the studio as possible. I looked at that Polaroid again. There Kate was, still suspended in mid-air, no one- no THING holding her.

"No fucking way", I mumbled, standing up. A pair of yellow eyes seared through the darkness. My heart pounding, I turned around and prepared to run when another yellow pair of eyes appeared. And another. And another. I was surrounded.

I gripped my camera as the beasts closed in, sinking their horribly sharp fangs into my sweat-drenched skin. _You're in Sunnydale now. Welcome to Hellmouth._

"Buffy", I gasped with my last breath.


End file.
